Today I want to have some reflection on sobriety. It is a topic that is a long time coming, it is one that I mentioned as I started building this site. Sober living is something that is central to my life; it is naturally related to my personal history, as well as many catalysts for change. While I feel that someday I can talk about those moments of change, it is not the way I want to start as it feels like too big of a topic to untangle. It has always been daunting to put into words any part of this story; however, without getting started, the story will never be told.

It is thus important that I start somewhere. Just like when picking up a seemingly minor moment in my drumming lesson, I need to start somewhere today.
I feel like I should start with what is currently top of mind: identifying as a sober person.

identifying as something is hard

I have a hard time identifying with anything. A natural desire not to qualify or label my behaviour and thoughts, though I am very aware that none of what I think or do is unique.

Rallying behind something that is thought “for me”, such as following a movement, doesn’t feel right. I have come to realise that this behaviour is limiting.

Preconceived notions can be perfectly fitting even if I can’t build them out myself. My appeal to uniqueness isn’t lessened by my adherence to a thought. If anything, learning and being convinced by a thought so much that you decide to identify with it is a great outcome.

Your character is built on top of finding how you’re alike to others, and where you can connect with them. Aiming to only find differences and uniqueness is a delusional endeavour, only superficially severing one from all.

sober is not something I wanted to identify as

Sober is something I am, but I initially didn’t want it to be what I presented myself as.

I would have rather presented myself with my interests, beliefs, or passion. How was it different ? Why did I find it worse to introduce myself as a sober person than as an artist?
Both are labels and beliefs I gave myself, but for some reason, I don’t want to convey that I am sober to someone whenever I met them.

Sobriety triggers a lot of conversation and prejudice. I mostly hate those conversations. I understand that they happen, people want to relate, connect, and build rapport with one another, and this is a great open palm to reach for. Yet I find myself completely stuck on the other side, not knowing how to empathise with “I stopped drinking for three weeks last year, it felt great”.

why i’m now identifying as sober.

It’s only very rarely (never when meeting for the first time) that we can have a true conversation about sobriety. When this conversation comes, it feels like bliss. People genuinely interested in learning one’s journey, sharing their trials, and their path. This is why I want to identify and connect with others. For deep and genuine conversation around a hard topic. One that is isolating and challenging, that you can rarely find support for organically.

I don’t want to hide (by omission or else) this part of myself. It helps me connect, share, be vulnerable, and listen.

The world (at least the one I experience) does not care and is not inclusive for being sober (another thread to pull later). It is something that took me way longer to realise that I wish to admit. This isolation is profound. Being alone around people is tough. Days and weeks becoming hard because of this lifestyle choice give me no choice but to make being sober an integral part of my identity. Though I wished it wasn’t the case, it defines a lot of the interactions and views I have.

Thus this is where I should start; I am Stefan and I am sober.