These thoughts were written over the early days of 2025. Whatever has been happening since then is not yet fully digested to be reflected here…

When I was living in Europe, my relationship with the news and media was ever so volatile.

There were cycles where I would follow the news every day, be aware of everything (or what I thought to be everything) at all times. Those times would bring some kind of a sense of joy. An ill excitement to refresh news sites would sweep over me. I would crave to see what was happening, take a position in my mind about the current situation, and move on to the next news. If I had the energy, I would read local and home news, constantly.

Most of the time, I would disconnect from the news in my home country while staying afloat on the news of my resident country.
I didn’t feel bad for not following what was happening back home then. A lot of things happen, and I honestly would sometimes feel this weird pride to say “I haven’t been following at all” when being asked about some current events.

In other periods, I would disconnect from all news altogether, living blissfully ignorant, unaware of what the world was cooking that day. This privilege was something I hadn’t reconciled with yet. It felt like the right thing to do to look away because it favored my personal happiness (I had an issue with self-care and self-preservation back then, but that’s another topic). This was a personal choice; it wasn’t impacting anyone else but me (or so I thought). I was happy (or so I thought).

Fast forward a few years, and I decided to leave my home continent.

After a few months, I decided to move semi-permanently to Asia. A small period of uncertainty switched to one of relative stability. A new home and a new life to build. At this time, staying connected back with home was completely secondary. There was no more excitement, only a bleak perspective of keeping up with Western politics. I left this place for a reason after all (while stating this, I’m not entirely sure what that reason is…).

Being an immigrant in Asia meant that it required extra effort to connect with local politics. I didn’t make such effort initially. Easy it was to stay disconnected, to focus on myself and forget about the world. This was easy until it wasn’t.

Multiple factors brought my mind back to being in touch with the news and how it was a personal responsibility to stay aware.

The right connections made me reconsider my engagement with the world. My critical thinking, I chose to see the world evolve, look at it intensely and not let it be something to evade. This made me care. Caring led to wanting to be more aware. I was back following news cycles, without the excitement of knowing it all, but with the desire of knowing it well, better than I ever had. This drove back connections towards the world, with a curious and deeper understanding of it.

What I didn’t learn until later was that the same news cycle would push me away.

As yet another population massacre happened, I felt dread. I kept on looking and absorbing the conflicts and violence. My newly-found awareness taught me not to look away. It was necessary for me to realize what I’ve been looking away from all those years. Crises and injustices I was somehow aware of but knew nothing about. I had to look back at my behaviour and move onwards with an attitude in line with my beliefs.

This process took months to come to some level of fruition (and will be an ever-going work in progress). After a few months of work, both my mind and body sent me clear messages that they were reaching some limits.

I refused to accept it.

I was feeling guilty.

Ashamed to feel like I should preserve myself while looking at desolation through a screen. It felt like an insult to those I was witnessing. Still, something needed to change.

A friend went through the same phases, and said they had to look away for some days before coming back.

A community I was a part of at the time instructed that this was the actual self-care.

We often think of self-care as an act of isolation, taking some me-time to feel better. Indulging in life’s pleasures and not worrying about anything else but oneself. This was what I believed at one time.

How were you to reconcile self-care with caring about others?

Choosing not to look as an act of self-preservation is self-care. Only if it is done with the intention of feeling better, to then come back and care more.

Self-care in this sense is not an act of isolation, but an act of reinforcement.

This is something that stuck with me. While I can’t stay afloat on all topics, I choose to care and look at the world as much as I can, until I can’t and need to recharge, and come back again.

There is a sense of guilt in me from not being at home when things are going wrong. Currently, the West (and the world, frankly) is unhealthy, and being far away from it makes me feel like I am not facing what I should be facing. I should be living in the day-to-day hardship. I should be struggling. I should, but I am not.

I am here, thousands of kilometres away. In a safe space, getting news from my home through a screen.

I’m left with some “what-ifs”, feeling guilty but at the same time wondering if things would be any different if I were back home.

How would things differ ?
Would I feel more connected ? Involved ? Guilty ?